I've been thinking about a lot of things recently. I think its all because days have been more routine-like and mundane in college life, and I've had more time for unnecessary reflection. Well, to put it as reflection only makes it sound that bit nicer. I've been pondering hard about many many things within the past like, 3 days and I'm not liking this feeling at all.

And to make it hell lot worst, I had such a terrible day yesterday, Tuesday. As expected, the parents weren't exactly helpful to start the day off for me in such a way, and lectures weren't fantastic either. Throughout the course of the day, I got dissed by some people whom I thought wouldn't do so at all, but nevermind, because I shan't take it too seriously. But it sure affected me a little when I heard those words about me. Honesty is brutal, I guess.

And it had to rain at the end of the day, just when I thought that going back to Dunman would be a breath of fresh air, a form of release for me. I got drenched, and I resulted to having to walk to the next bus stop before finally getting a cab.

Many thoughts have been racing through my mind. I kept thinking to myself if I actually fit in where I am now, and about the new people I met and everything. I guess the stupid insecurities caught up with me after all, about adapting and about accepting change and making choices. I'm such a sucker at making decisions for myself, and taking responsibility of what is my own. I just felt like at 17, there'd be far too many things for me to comprehend in such a short time, and things weren't gonna be easy. Especially when its like certain issues cannot just be brushed off easily like before. Its not like that anymore.

But talk about the whole crap about having to fend for myself and stuff. I really don't want to know how. But is it really that bad?

Certain actions that people do and behaviours that they display make me wonder a lot about the childish image that they portray. I'm not certain what is it that they are trying to prove, and its as if they know me so well that they are able to assess me based on what they see and stuff. Ah, and I really dislike judgements, especially empty judgements which don't help a single bit at all.

Maybe its just what happens, and that taking in the surroundings.. its just part and parcel of this entire experience. Someone told me that I had expectations that were too high, and that really set me thinking. So that was all? And what more is there? These were the questions that I find so amusing to answer, because I don't think anyone really knows until the experience is over.

I am one who thrives on portraying myself as who I really am inside and out and I do not see how others can live without doing so. Simply putting on a smiley face to get you through the day is not gonna help. Yes, I am a cheerful person who likes to crack the occasional joke and enjoy myself. But I am unable to get through the day by being someone I am not, being that uber nice character (that some might envision me to be) and doing all that just for show. To leave others with an impression that is nice, positive, and rid them of all doubts they might have about you. I'm not living everyday for others to see, for others to judge me. And worst still, then they decide to indulge in ridiculing you for some shit they think is true. Marvelous.

I haven't really spoken to anyone properly about this, but I guess it's just a personal battle. I also just realised that my own predicament is solely dependent on myself, and not anyone else. But hey, what's better than feeling all alone in this right? Friends might give the occasional motivation and such, but they'd never get it unless they were in this situation.

I don't like it when I have too much time to think. It makes my mind wander off into nowhere, and I always end up feeling all inferior and odd. You could say that I feel stressed, more sick and tired of this. Day in, day out, I think its only gonna get worse. Putting my mind off things will inevitably help, but this is only temporary. It's such a routine that it has become a chore. I go to school feeling a tad optimistic, and then along the way shit happens, but I still try to be/appear happy, I head home, and its almost like the smiles fade, and I sit here alone feeling all grouchy and down, and I realise many things, many things that aren't really very refreshing, and then I try to sleep on it, and the next day arrives.

And I fear.