"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" Does it really?
All this while, I've been wanting to tell you how great it all was. I've been intending to tell you a million things, so many that I've lost count altogether. I've wanted to explain myself from the very start, set things out clearly and make life easier for the both of us. I've been planning what to say to you exactly, how to put things right effectively, how to tell you how I felt, like before, and how things have been like for me.
But life wasn't exactly that kind without you. And you weren't making it any better for me. Gone were the days that we simply left all other things behind and had the best times in our life. At that time, I even thought that you'd promise to keep it alive, and I'd hoped that it would never come to a close. But things didn't exactly go as I thought they'd be. I was left behind, or rather, things were left behind, forgotten and untouched.
I didn't understand why many things were left out and not brought up anymore. Were they simply too trivial? Were they too miniscule? Were they even worth debating over? It led me to think of many possibilities and that was when I freaked out. I had to gain a better understanding, but frankly noone was there to give me a hand. In other words, I was thrown into an entirely new scenario that I had to face alone ; you weren't there to hold me anymore.
But I cannot comprehend the chain of events that followed. Was everything too rash? Did you simply not want it? Was I thinking too much? There was a period of confusion, of unhapiness, that I had to go through, but without you this time. Why did it even happen in the first place? Was it only a matter of distance?
Looking back, I still don't know where it all went. I yearn for this day when the dust will settle. I yearn for a chance to sit you down and talk things out entirely. I need it. And I know you need it too. Theres a part of me telling me to let go already, and whatever talking-out won't do. But then there's another part of me that's telling to do what I love and to go for it, to challenge my will and my strength, to go to you and breathe new life into myself...
Its a terrible feeling really, when its so near, yet so far. I might see you, I might hear your voice, but then time will pass us swiftly and it all fades away yet again. I don't know how this is making you feel, maybe it doesn't even 'cause you to feel anything, maybe it just brushes past your elbows and you beg for it to not approach you again.
But sometimes it makes me wanna smile. I realise that life isn't that tough without you after all. Maybe it is all in my head, my consciousness, my ego. But whatever it is that I am tryign to fight for here, it really seems like a losing battle from the very beginning already. You might frown upon me and ask me who I am doing this for, but don't you realise, that after all this while, its all for you and not for me. There are no personal gains in these issues, just jealousy, and love, and bonds that might have been severed and broken and feared.
Fear makes me shy away from the very fact that you've gone, that a hiatus from it all is in place. But is it only a hiatus? Is it temporary? Is it just a passing phase, like a passing rain cloud? A threat that withstands all other pressures around, and spirals me into a world unknown to even my inner self.
Could it be your pride? Your new found love in everything else and your changing interests and company. Something I detest is the way you keep it to yourself. Silence does not help. Plus it is even harder to maintain whatever is left of it all. I need a calling, to tell me what to do. And I know you're the one. You're the one who is in touch with my soul, to keep me sane, and to tell me who I am in this vicious world.
You are the one, I know.
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The Scoop
Andre
The lost boy.
You don't wear my chains
Black and white photography
Pop art
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The Coveted
Spanking new Tigers! New Digicam
Bagpacking trip to India in 2007
I'm Yours Jason Mraz
Amie Damien Rice
Forecast Fascist Future Of Montreal
Umbrella Rihanna
Don't Leave The Light On Baby Belle & Sebastian
Summer Skin Death Cab For Cutie
